There are a few things in life that I am good at. Out of all of them, I’m the best at overthinking. Despite never even wanting to do it, I have become a master. With my unintentionally dutiful training, I have become the best at the thing I want to do the least.
Through analyzing my personality over the years, I became more aware of how often I overthink the most mundane situations. From interactions with my friends, texting my girlfriend, or working on group projects, I’ve always had a persistent tendency to imagine that I have somehow been perceived in a bad light. It’s not that I worry that things I said were taken the wrong way, I also begin to regret saying the things I did. It’s a constant cycle of worry where I believe I’ve done something that would make people like me less.
These thoughts are typically baseless, too. I’ve been told if I didn’t really do anything, I have nothing to worry about. But, staring at that unread message never fails to make me wonder what I could have possibly done wrong. It makes me find scrutiny in the simplest of actions. I won’t say it’s completely bad, either. It makes me reflect on what I’ve done and allows me to understand myself better. No doubt I can navigate more sensitive situations with more care and attention. But more often than not, it’s self-destructive. It makes me question my relationships, my self-confidence, and my capabilities. Hypothetical situations can ruin my mood and cause me to mentally spiral despite not being a reality. I will these doomsday scenarios into existence by allowing them to affect me.
I become too careful at times, where I hide my thoughts and actions under a veil of uncertainty and fear of judgment. It prevents me from opening up or following my own values and principles. It makes me unable to be honest with myself in the moment. I’ve realized that it likely isn’t something I can fix or should fix. My neurotic tendencies make me the person that I am. Becoming a more stoic carefree person would really change parts of me that I don’t think should change. And even if I wanted to, I feel like there’s a ceiling to how much I can change my heart. However, there’s clearly room to grow. I should find the confidence to not be completely consumed by overthinking. Ideally, it could just be a lens to guide me through situations without melting me down. Then, I could harness just the positive aspects of something I consider negative, which could help me embrace my weaknesses. Or maybe, this is all just me overthinking.