I’m in New York City for the summer. It’s for an internship. This is what I wanted. A departure from my last one.
I found myself in the suburbs of San Francisco last summer. I was too far from the city to visit often. I had no car. There was no subway, and I was only armed with a very slow and oversized bike. I found myself having nothing to do after work. I would be able to see some friends from high school over the weekend, taking the expensive Caltrain to visit them with my less than minimum wage salary. Although I found it initially quite isolating, I was able to make do. The gym and dancing kept me busy. I called my friends day-in and day-out. They kept me sane during those times.
I wanted something else this summer. I wanted to be in New York. It’s closer to home and nearer to all my friends. In the bustling city, how could I be alone?
After my arrival last week, I felt a new kind of isolation. In a city surrounded by all kinds of people that you can imagine, I know almost nobody. I have access to everything, yet I still fall short. Over the weekend, I wandered the streets alone. I see friends chatting, couples coupling, and families trotting about. In restaurants, I sit with menu in hand, surrounded by a buzz of hollow laughter. Last year, I had nothing. This year, I have everything. But sometimes, everything at once can be too much.
It’s all in my head. This feeling of desolation is self-inflicted. I have all the options in the world. But in the face of it all, I am frozen. There are too many choices, too many adventures. I don’t know which way is right. I box myself into thinking nothing will work out. But, is that worse than what I have to suffer if I do nothing? Probably not. In my desperate moments, I feel that I have no way out. But, I do. Almost every option is within a stretched arms reach. I just have to grab it. It’s really not that hard. It’s all in my head.